Don't Think About All the Things You Fear, Just Be Glad to Be Here

Cringe Alert!   <--- sometimes you just have to go into detail and it's the details that lead me to the need to write.
*takes a drink*
There is an eerie silence that exists, and it only exists in the presence of death. It's a unique silence, it's a silence that chills you to the bone. No matter how tough you are, no matter how used to it you may be, it affects you. Maybe in a lot of cases, it will change you.  Maybe it will make you afraid to die alone.
*gets the bottle*
When there is a "decomp" case, it means a person has begun to decompose. They have been left there long enough to only be found because of the smell, usually. It only takes a few days before skin begins to blister, pop, and stick whatever surface a body might be on. My coworkers tell me that a severe decomp case will be forever etched in your mind and the smell follows you all the way home (maybe not literally, but in a sense. haha. Scents) Today the decomp case was not a severe one, the person was there less than a week. It was long enough to leave an outline made out of coagulated blood and hair of how the body fell when he died. Almost like a chalk outline of the upper body but thicker. He hit his head pretty hard coming down. It was a 20 minute job with a plaster scraper. It's best not to get the blood wet to wash it because it will just become a mess, if it is left dry it should scrape off most surfaces. A coworker of mine who has been cleaning up crime scenes for a year took care of that no problem. My boss was just showing an idea of what to expect in the future.
*takes another drink*
But today there were two cases at the same apartment complex so my boss took me downstairs to work on the other because it was going to take a few people.
As a side note, I really like my bosses (a married couple) and my coworkers. Crime scene clean up is usually a small business, an LLC. The married couple that owns the company used to work in the funeral industry which gives us an interesting connection. The husband (still not sure if I should use names or not) tells me the physiology behind the blood and other bodily fluids and their reactions post mortem. During the clean up for the shotgun suicide he helped me identify where the pieces of bone came from and if what I was finding was fat, skin, muscle tissue, cartilage, etc. My coworkers and I get along great too. So all in all, it's the best management I have experienced as an employee. Very professional, intelligent, sympathetic and enjoyable. It's the first time I have had a chance to interact with people like me. LoL. By that I mean people that can be around morbid situations and see past the gruesome parts. I think my coworkers and I all have a similar sense of humor and basic outlook on life. It makes sense, a job like this takes a specific personality and although we are all different we have major things in common.
So back to what I was talking about...
*debates on another drink but passes for now*
Downstairs was a completely different job. I hesitate to give details, but there are a few to help give you an understanding. This man had AIDS and today I was exposed to a side that many people probably don't hear details about.  There is a reason for that. He did not pass away in his apartment but rather at the hospital. What we had to clean is what killed him, let me put it that way. It must have been... horrible for him. I can't get it out of my mind. As a cleaner we get random details. If the family is there we will get more, if not then we get what the apartment managers know, or the police. Then we have the home itself. It's hard not to try to put pieces of the puzzle together. You get an idea of how old they were, what sort of things they did, you know, the basics. This man had stylish clothing and shoes, judging from what was in his apartment he must not have been more than middle aged. There were no pictures around, we wonder did he have an unsupportive family or did he just move in and not have the time or energy to get them up? The other person (the decomp upstairs) I think was older, his apartment was full of nicknacks and pictures of family, maybe his daughter and grandchildren? There was what looked like a normal hard cover book but my boss opened it to reveal needles, pipes and drugs. Stupidly I asked "why do we throw away all of that?". LoL. I dunno, maybe because another part of our job is cleaning up meth labs. :-P
While cleaning the downstairs room we just had to leave the door open. The smell was not unbareable but it was really really intense, I started to gag at one point. It is not unusual for someone to throw up at certain jobs. Fortunately this was not one of them but it was good practice. I ran out to the front for some air as a man walked by me. He asked "Hey, what happened to my friend that lived here?" I froze, it was unexpected, I couldn't help but wonder "Am I ready for this? Answering these questions?" It is kind of awkward considering all of our equipment was out front and it was obvious the tenant was no longer living there. All that I could get out was "He isn't here anymore". Was that the right answer? I hope so. While in the apartment complex's elevator another tenant asked me "So did he leave the place pretty bad? He was only here for a couple of months." Again, unsure how to respond I utter "We're just cleaning up, he isn't here anymore." 
Now, 12 hours later I sit here contemplating my day and how work followed me everywhere I went. Geez, I feel like I am going to turn into such a downer. People ask about work and it's just not going to be a pleasant conversation. I wonder if I were to use the company truck to visit one of you and park out front if neighbors will start peeping through your windows. haha. I am still weary of telling people what my job is. You don't have to be a weirdo to do stuff like this. I dunno, maybe you do. Can a weirdo really judge that in the first place?
After today I feel a loneliness I have never felt before. A real and true fear of dying alone. How long would I lay here lifeless in my apartment before someone found me? I am grateful to have the friends that I do, I don't think it would be for too long.
*gives in and takes another drink*
I am not one to pray or believe in a higher power other than the universe itself, but tonight I almost want to pray that I never get so sick it kills me. Again, back to my fear of how I will die I fear that I will die in any way other than in my sleep, peaceful and elderly. It doesn't even have to be elderly, just please let me die peacefully.
"Don't think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here." - FC Kahuna - Hayling