What Your Soul Sings

What makes us cringe at death? When studying the human body some people can pick up a cadaver organ like it is nothing personal while others feel traumatized over the sight of a dead body or even just hearing about a death. I was tempted to look up images of shot gun injuries and survivors to help imagine what happened to the kid I cleaned up after. When I thought about looking it up I wondered how I would feel looking through the images. When we see an injured person it is easy to relate. Have you ever seen a gruesome image or video and felt chills or maybe even a pain in the area of the body from the image you are watching? The more I learn about death the more I realize our fear of it is a selfish one (which isn't a bad thing at all, it's human nature, that fear is there to keep us alive). Not only does death remind us of our own demise, but seeing it can make some people sick to their stomach. Under our skin we are all pretty much the same and seeing what is under another human being's skin reminds us of what is under our own. It's hard not to relate to pieces of the human body. Why do I feel so curious as to see how he might look and survive without a jaw? It's not just morbid curiosity, I genuinely feel sympathy and concern because it must be a terrible way to live not having a jaw or tongue. This is where I am supposed to learn to disconnect myself from these jobs. My whole reason for getting into this particular field is to gain experience helping people in grief when I get the opportunity, help me get used to being on call, and learn how to separate my emotions when in morbid situations. It won't happen right away with me. Some people can go right into this job without adjusting, I am not one of those people. Everything I see in my life is analyzed and sorted to work in the best possible way. This job would not feel right to me if it was just a high payed cleaning gig. I am choosing to make it more, in a way that means I am choosing to feel something from it whether that be bad or good. This work will change me, it has already. Honesty isn't something that I fear as much anymore.

Before my random obsession with death (which started around 15) I knew that my fear of death was more from the act dying itself. When someone dies the funeral is generally for the survivors considering their grief is usually for many reasons not related to the deceased. But those reasons are important, fear of being alone, relief, confusion, shock from dealing with a sudden drastic change, etc. The fear of dying is your own and yes I admit mine is selfish, but I'm ok with that. It doesn't concern me what happens after I die, and I don't worry about running out of time or getting certain things done before I perish. No, my concern has always been more about the final process. Will I die in a painful way? What is I suffocate? Maybe I will be "lucky" and die in my sleep. Is there a lucky way to die? Maybe it always hurts, maybe it usually doesn't. Will it be long and drawn out? Am I going to leave my friends and family behind suddenly? Is there anything embarassing in my apartment people might find if I were to croak and does that matter? Should I write my will now just in case? Oh these things follow me each and every day. I wonder if just about every mortuary science student or person studying thanatology or death related fields spend the first few years with a dark cloud over their head. Are some of us doing it because we are masochists in a way? If you are a person who wishes for death I could see joining the profession. Some people relate to death. There must be quite a few people like me who study death because they see the inspiration and motivation to live in it. All we have ever known is existence. To imagine us not existing is an interesting task. I don't even know if it is possible to imagine death. Are we ever going to get an answer? Is it something we should even know while we are alive? Why the fuck do I feel like there is something we need to know about it though? Maybe we're not able to understand death until we experience it. I dunno. I'm tired. Many questions tonight.

It's time for some rest. I'm going to try watching a documentary on dreams to help me fall asleep. We'll see how it goes.