Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Gently Down the Stream

What is this inside me? How can I describe it? Is my anxiety actually useful? Is it something I need to be looking at differently? Is my anxiety about other people or myself? Both? Everyone?
When I look outside it is endless. Full of everything anyone could ever dream of. When I am in my apartment I feel secure. But I also feel cold, hollow, lonely and  confused. When it comes to stepping outside, feeling the sun on my face and grass under my feet, I feel trapped in place. Lately I've noticed I feel no joy or excitement. I hope I am just depressed, really really depressed. It means I'll be over all of this eventually. There is my chronic mental illness and then the depression comes and goes. But chronic illnesses you learn to accept and live with. They make who you are and they are always a part of you. A chronic illness helps make who you are, you can use it to grow once you get to know it better. However, depression is an annoyance.
The world rushes by around me, time goes by and I loose track of where it has been. Weeks and months go by and it feels like the blink of an eye. We all can relate. We all can relate to a lot of things.
My anxiety could be from knowing how awkward I am around people. I try to convince myself that I don't need anyone, that I need to be alone. I deserve to be alone. For now. Until I know who I am I am not in a place to build relationships. I am a new person and a stranger to myself.

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