Living in Salt Lake city is taking a toll on me. After 10 years I feel like I have been sucked into a vortex. My inspiration feels blocked, I know it has not been sucked dry. Leaving this state will help me return to myself. Until then, I am going to try to use this blog to sort my thoughts and experiences.
A little over a month ago I left my husband to live openly as a lesbian. Now I am living on my own for the first time. This summer should be interesting. The days are more lonely than the nights. I miss my insomnia.
Photography has saved my life, it has given me a way to communicate how I feel and it saved my memories when I lost them. Since then, it was my life. One month ago I lost my job with a photography studio due to a panic attack at work. Every job I have had has been lost due to panic attacks. However, I was there for 10 months (an unheard of amount of time for me to keep a job), I did nothing but work hard and dedicate myself fully to fashion photography. The feeling of being successful was like no other feeling I have had in my life as of yet. Loosing my job didn't hurt my love for the art but recently taking pictures isn't as fulfilling as it once was. The summer is well on it's way and hopefully the pleasant days will bring warmth into my mind once again.
Now I am at a point where I need to wake up. Finally I am free to have the relationships I want to have, make the decisions I want to make for myself, I could move if the opportunity arises, my home is a full representation of myself, I am comfortable in ways I didn't know I needed to be. I can mold myself into the person I have always wanted to be. But who is that? While I work towards my PhD in psychology before obtaining my funeral director's license who do I want to be? First thing is first, is there a girl out there for me? As much as I know I need to be patient, it is a frustrating journey none the less. Maybe I should focus on finding a job too. haha. Thank the gods for worker's compensation, or else I would be out on my ass instead of in this sweet studio apartment.
Anyway, this is my first post. I can explain more and connect the pieces as they come to me. Already I have lived a long life, full of experiences that used to haunt me but now I hope to use them to evolve. We evolve from our mistakes, as long as we know to learn from them. We need to make mistakes to grow and change.
That is all for now. Random I know, but it is a start.
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